When Love Eludes

What is love? How does one fall in love? What are the signs that you are in love? Is love just an illusion. I seem not remember if I ever fell in love. I remember years back in my primary school days there was this boy I had a huge crush on, he used to sit next to me in class and boy! did my heart beat fast every time he sat next to me. I was always tensed up! Then one day he noticed me, I got all excited and scared at the same time. He then starting giving me gifts through his sister and sometimes he would place them inside my desk, he was the first boy to give me a perfume, I was on cloud 9. Those are fond memories and I want to believe I was in love back then.

 When I join high school omg!, for all the four years I was there, I did not find a single guy attractive, why? I must have been hangup on my first crush, what else could it be?  As I progressed to higher level I found my self crushing on anothe boy, ho trouble!  I asked myself so many questions like, what is this about this guy and were hardly talking, I was too shy so was he.  I remember the first time he started talking to me was through our mutual friend, so we would all walk together for lunch and or home.  I also remember he one time offered to teach me how to drive, why did I decline, I must have been so naive.

As I matured, I realised that I needed to make some adjustments.  But first I guess it must have been the trauma I experienced during my high school days.  My immediate relatives got pregnant and one had an abortion, this freaked me out and must have been the one major reason I was completely put me off boys at a young age, I started seeing them as my enemies! I was afraid to get pregnant and the thought of me dying aborting just made me shudder.

Anyhow this new crush when he eventually noticed me and we sort of dated but did not have sex till years later after he returned from living abroad. I later realised this relationship would go nowhere, this guy had other plans and it was obvious they did not include me but I wanted my first experience to be with him anyway.  At this point I was very curious.  We did have our good times but they were short lived.  He left for abroad again never to return.  What an experience!

Even with that experience I still believe love eluded me all the years.

 #misdemeanorscave